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Book Reviews > The Surrendered Wife
A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with Your Man
By Laura Doyle

From The Publisher
This controversial approach to marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew -- and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it.

When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.

The underlying principle of "The Surrendered Wife" is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle's model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband's choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.

Compassionate and practical, "The Surrendered Wife" is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to:

  • Give up unnecessary control and responsibility
  • Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands
  • Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriage including sexual and financial

"The Surrendered Wife" will show you how to
transform a lonely marriage
into a passionate union"


Click Here to purchase The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with Your Man from Fishpond in New Zealand

Why Would a Woman Surrender?
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and PeaceNewly married at 22, Laura had no idea she would ever call herself a surrendered wife. At that time, she would have been repulsed by the whole idea.

Laur goes on to say; "At first I treated him with respect and kindness because I was so impressed with him. Then, as his imperfections grew more familiar and glaring, I began correcting him as a way of trying to help him improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

Needless to say, he didn't respond well to this. In fact, the more I tried to control him, the more strained things got. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell. The more he resisted, the more I tried to control him, and the more frustrated and irritable we both got. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his. Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had formerly made me so happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since we'd taken our vows.

My loneliness was so acute I was willing to try anything to cure it. I went to therapy, where I learned that I often used control as a defense. I read John Gray's Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, which gave me some understanding of our differences. I talked to other women to find out what worked in their marriages.

One friend told me she let her husband handle all of the finances, and what a relief that was for her. Another one told me she tried never to criticize her husband, no matter how much he seemed to deserve it. I decided I would experiment with doing things differently in my marriage and hoped that it wasn't too late for us. I desperately wanted to save the relationship, and I also hoped to save my self-respect, which was fading with each episode of anger and frustration I unleashed on John.

Fortunately, the steps of surrendering helped me with both marital tranquility and self-respect. Today I call myself a surrendered wife because that's what's helped me have the marriage I've always dreamed of. The same thing will happen to you if you follow the principles in this book.

None of us feels good about ourselves when we're nagging, critical or controlling. I certainly didn't. The tone of my voice alone would make me cringe with self-recrimination. Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviours and replace them with dignified ones.

You will also have more time and energy to focus on what's most important to you. Whether your desire is to have a more harmonious family, run a top corporation, or both, you'll feel increasing pride as you realize your goals faster than ever before. Surrendering has a way of bringing out the best in us, both as individuals and as wives, which is why it's so worth doing".

"Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves."
Swami Vivekananda

The Return of the Man Who Wooed Me
There was no single moment when the surrendered light bulb went off in my head. Instead, I changed little by little,  and as I stopped bossing him around, giving him advice, burying him in lists of chores to do, criticizing his ideas and taking over every situation as if he couldn't handle it, something magical happened. The union I dreamed of appeared, the man who wooed me was back and we were intimate again.

Surrendering was a gradual process that steadily reinforced itself with positive results. Over time, I formed new habits. When I found myself slipping back into my old ways, I stopped to ask myself, "Which do I want more: To have control of every situation or to have an intimate marriage?"

Naturally, emotional connection, lack of tension, dignity, having kindness and being able to relax always trumped getting the chores done or having things my way all the time. To remind myself of my new priorities, I adopted the word "surrender" as my mantra, because it was shorter and more to the point than saying, "stop trying to control everything." I repeated "surrender" to myself silently over and over again.

"Virtue herself is her own fairest reward."
Silius Italicus
 

Becoming Your Best Self
Surrendering to your husband is not about returning to the fifties or rebelling against feminism and this book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid and it's certainly not about subservience. It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings.

The Basic Principles of a Surrendered Wife are That She:
• Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband
• Respects her husband's thinking
• Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
• Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
• Relies on him to handle household finances
• Focuses on her own self-care and fulfillment

A Surrendered Wife is:
• Vulnerable where she used to be a nag
• Trusting where she used to be controlling
• Respectful where she used to be demeaning
• Grateful where she used to be dissatisfied
• Has faith where she once had doubt.

A surrendered wife is abundant where she used to feel impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered.

"I did everything he did," Ginger Rogers once said about Fred Astaire. "And I did it backwards, and in high heels." Although Fred and Ginger were equally skilled and talented dancers, if they had both tried to lead (or follow), they would have been pulling each other in opposite directions. Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart. Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm. Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil - the partner - for her talent.

Similarly, I want my husband to bring out my very best.

"One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Chapters Include:
 The Origins of Control
 When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome
 Why My Bags Were Always Packed
 Why There Isn't A Surrendered Husband
 When to Stop Surrendering and Get Out.
 Dealing With Abuse
 Deciding if Your Man Deserves Your Trust

Before you surrender check to see if any of the following apply to your situation:

  1. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to you.
  2. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to your children.
  3. Do not surrender to a man who has an active addiction.
  4. Do not surrender to a man who is chronically unfaithful.

About the Author
Laura Doyle is a freelance writer, feminist and former shrew. A distinguished lecturer, consultant and workshop leader, she lives in Southern California with her husband who has been dressing himself since before she was born.

The Los Angeles Times calls Doyle part of a new trend and writes that "members of her group...swear by its effectiveness in relieving marital discord and their inability to cope with the pressures of trying to be superwomen."

In her books, lectures and seminars, Doyle reveals her own experiences from her fifteen-year marriage, as well as practical, simple techniques that women can use to attract and revitalize intimacy immediately.

Prior to writing The Surrendered Wife, Doyle enjoyed a successful career as a marketing copywriter. She is a graduate with honours from San Jose State University's journalism department.

Publisher: Fireside Books
ISBN: 0743204441
EAN: 9780743204446
Dimensions: 21.74 x 14.07 x 2.03 centimetres (0.27 kg)

The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and PeaceFormat: Paperback, 288 pages, New edition Edition
First Published In the United States, 6 February 2006

Publisher: Pocket Books
ISBN: 1416511644
EAN: 9781416511649
Dimensions: 19.8 x 13.0 centimetres (0.22 kg)

Click Here to purchase The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with Your Man from Fishpond in New Zealand

"-"

 



 

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